Hello…. Dear reader, if this post is even being read…. And if it is: if you’re sensitive to profanity, I suggest you don’t read anymore. Because there’s a shit storm of curse words in your near-future.
I haven’t been blogging for what feels like years, though it’s only been months…. I think the last post was February, or something…. Um…. So, what’s happened since? Where’d I go? (Not that anybody cares, but….)
Stress has nearly killed me. Thoughts have been drifting in and out of my brain for what feels like a dangerous eternity, and there’s been so many simple times where i have no fucking clue anymore…. Sure, one could say I’m exaggerating, and you’re entitled to your opinion.
My headspace lately has been a ticking fucking time bomb. One second, I’m decently mellow, and the next second, I want to get in my car and drive off a steep embankment into the Fraser River. And it seems that no matter what I do to distract myself from all of the oppressing bullshit, it always finds its way back to fuck up my day.
Let me rant about the bullshit, shall I?
People who tell me they’re my “friends”, and only ever contact me when they need something from me. Whether it’s a car ride, or money, or attention, or whatever the case may be. It’s never just “Hey, let’s just talk and discuss some shit, and maybe get to know each other as human beings.” It’s always greed, in one form or another. Because it always seems that sitting and talking as human beings is too complicated, and gets classified as “being too clingy”. (When I would rather talk to people about shit like that.)
And also recently, I’ve had friends just fucking turn into ghosts! (And if that ghosting bitch is reading this, show your sulfur and I’ll bring the silver.) Like for NO FUCKING REASON, no words from them, or any explanation as to why, they just vanish like they were never even there to begin with. Shit like that fucks me up, because I go back and I think “what did I say to them, what did I do to them, what could I have done better??” And I never get a straightforward answer! Maybe there’s so many things I could have done, or maybe there were none!
Like…. I’m just…. I have no idea!
On top of my “friends” not being “friends”, work has been hell!
My manager appreciates my work — I mean, I WORK MY ASS OFF. And I’ve only been working a year here. And, since I’ve impressed my manager and I’m dedicated and hardworking, they grant me more hours.
My “fellow colleagues” don’t have the same vision my manager does. THEY THINK that since I’ve only been there a year, and they’ve been there 10+ years, that “the manager shouldn’t be giving hours out to fuckers who haven’t been here enough to learn how shit works, and to fuckers who don’t have years of experience under their belts.” (Actual line from an actual “colleague”, by the way. Fucker nearly yelled that while I walked into the room, and it was CLEAR AS FUCKING DAY that they were talking about ME.)
Yeah. I get it. I haven’t been working at the same deadend job for 10+ years. But I work my ass off every damn shift. I don’t cancel on shifts just because it’s Friday, or just because I feel “sick”. I’ve gone into work and have WORKED LIKE HELL when I’m ill! I’ve only called in sick a handful of times, when I really was sick and I was coughing my lungs out.
There was another “colleague”, who was talking to the fucker “colleague”, and I asked him away from the fucker, “Were they talking about me?” I knew they were, but I wanted to see if this bitch would weasel their way out of my question.
They said yeah, they were.
I ranted and told them that I’m sorry if the “colleagues” hate me because I’m accepting hours and I’m working my ass off, and if that makes them mad, I’m sorry! But there was no reason the fucker had to bitch about me, and hate on me and complain!
The “colleague” replied with, “See? The reason they said those things was to get under your skin. And it’s working.”
THAT’S NOT THE REASON!! THEY BITCHED AND COMPLAINED BECAUSE THEY’RE JEALOUS OF ME AND THEY HATE MY FUCKING GUTS!!
And YES! I AM PISSED OFF! BUT they still don’t need to gossip shit about me and make me feel like shit!!
And you might be thinking, “Well, it’s just one person, don’t let it get to you.”
It’s literally the whole fucking department.
I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
They’ve been bitching for MONTHS! Because I’ve been accepting every hour I’ve been given, and I work like hell, and I want to prove myself and that I’m a decent worker and that I am reliable and trustworthy and honest and incredible and a decent human!
And the WHOLE DEPARTMENT HATES ME FOR IT!
So, what does a person do when that happens?? Stop working harder than I need to? Start slacking off like everybody else? Not show up for work for the hell of it? Call in sick when I’m not really sick?
BE MORE LIKE THEM???
Ugh, I’ve got a fucking headache now….
So, to put this whole post in a nutshell, my life sucks. And I feel stuck. And I hate my life. And I really just want to smash my fist through a concrete wall.
I’m sorry you, reader, sat through all of that…. I applaud you, and I thank you, and I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.
So, until I can fix my mind again.