Holy man, it’s the new year already.

I don’t really know how to feel about it. This past year has been one hell of a speed bump that I would like to never relive again.

I can’t really remember what happened up until September, but after that, that’s when my life took a turn I wish it hadn’t of taken. My oldest brother was killed in a car wreck. He was twenty nine. He was just about to start a new job, and he seemed haply about it. He’d been having troubles with his vices, and I think he was so far into his substances that this new job was a light at the end of the tunnel. He was going to get better.

And it sucks. It really does. He made some questionable choices in life, but he did not deserve to go out like that. Nobody deserves that. He didn’t deserve to get taken out that way. He was trying to better himself. He never led on how bad his addictions were, yet he used them as a crutch. He was so engulfed in them that he was starting to lose who he was. But this new job, he was actually excited for. Being unemployed for a few months because of personal reasons, and also with the call of his addictions, this was a step in the right direction.

His “friends” who knew him in the addictive community probably wouldn’t think much of him, and how he went out. But, and I don’t care what anybody ever says, he did not deserve what he got.

Then, in early December, my great uncle lost a long battle with cancer. He was ninety. As much as all the signs were leading up to the end, it didn’t make it any easier. He was about to start radiation therapy, because his vitals were good. The next morning, he was tired and not as well, and then there was nothing.

That’s the biggest “fuck you” thing about it: he was starting to do better. He was looking up, he was starting to get his energy back. But then, it went downhill, and it went that way incredibly fast.

And now it’s January.

I feel like time has been flying by, and now it’s 2023, and it came out of nowhere. And I feel empty. Just… deflated. My head hurts all the time, I have to fight back the tears, and if I sit idle too long, my brain starts replaying everything back, reminding me that my brother and great uncle are no longer amongst the living.

It really sucks. Christmas felt fake, like those Hallmark movies: all put on for the sake of holding up a facade. It’s all a stage performance parading as real life.

I don’t know what the future is going g to look like. And the more I try to picture it, the more my head hurts. So I’m not going to look that far.

I’d like to say I hope happier times are ahead, but I don’t even believe that. I just want my brother and my great uncle back. I think that’s the old thing that will make me truly happy.

So. I guess I’ll just leave off by saying this: this is where I am right now, and I guess all I can do is take life one minute at a time. Because everything can change so quick.

QM

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