Hello, again. I guess it’s been long enough since whenever it was that I wrote last, so here it is: a word vomit post.

I feel like it’s been forever since I wrote here, let alone remembered I had a blog thing, so maybe I should reintroduce myself, just so we’re all on the same page. My name is Queer Montague, but I’m sure if you look hard enough, you’d find the name the government refers to me as. I like to think of myself as a “writer” but I don’t have anything published to my name, let alone spend enough time actually writing. I also think I’m a poet, a playwright, a storyteller, but since the world decided to shut down, I’ve just been trapped in my own head because it seems to be easier than existing anyplace else. Depression has made me its bitch, and I guess I don’t have the courage to disobey. So, here I am.

A little life update, so I can give some appropriate backstory to this tragedy: my oldest brother was killed in a car wreck nearly eight months ago, and I still don’t know how to handle it, so I just push it to the back of my brain. People always say it gets easier with time, and I know that’s a damned lie. It doesn’t get easier to deal with, I just get better at hiding how it affects me. Even though it still feels like it happened yesterday.

And everything I had as an anchor in my life, everything I thought I could depend on when I thought I had nothing else, is gone. When I was a moody teenager, silently rebelling against the world, I thought I would always have certain things to fall back on when shit got rough. For example: music, because I always had my headphones in to block out the world; friends, because I thought I’d always have those and now I have none of those; a group I associated with my depression getting better, but turns out it wasn’t mine to love and I can’t love them the way I want to because it was never mine to love at all; spending those good moments with people who loved me for me, but that’s a lie because nobody loves me and I can’t help but think all of those people never liked me and that the only reason they did like me was because I could be used for their benefit and gain – everything I once knew, all of those rocks I thought I could use as support, that I thought I would always have – all of it is gone. Everything is changing. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, and change is inevitable, but I hate it all the same.

I have to put on a mask to exist now. With everybody who I encounter. I’ve lost too many people to take it as a learning curve. Maybe it’s just me. But I can’t lower my guard because I don’t want to get hurt again. So, as long as I wear a mask and put up some fake face, I won’t experience the pain and fear again.

As Bella Swan said in that cheesy sparkly vampire flick, maybe I, too, am one of those “suffer in silence types.” A lone wolf or something. And as much as I can look back and laugh, it really does hurt to look back and see point blank how much I’ve lost, how much I don’t have now, and see what I’ll never get back.

I’m lost in limbo, and as much as people suggest shit like “find a new hobby”, “go for a walk when you’re stressed”, or “meet new people by putting yourself out there”, nothing is going to be like it was, when I was a sad teenager and thought the world was against me, when in reality, I would give my entire soul to just go back there to that time. Because when teenage me was sad then, that poor kid really had it all.

So, what is next? What do I have to look forward to? What is the deal breaker that is going to make me keep the lights on?

Will we ever know?

I don’t know. And I don’t know if any of that made a lick of sense, but I guess tha’t just the way my brain has developed. I feel trapped, I’m afraid of change, and I just want to go back in time.

If you have any advice to give, please don’t give it. I probably won’t follow it because everything scares me. I just want things to go back to the way it was. Insert that “shit, go back” button meme.

Well, until the next time I feel like actually “writing” something to appease my 2015 blogger phase, peace out and take an extra nap.

QM

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