Another Year Older

Well, I’m another full year older.

I’m 25 now, but the only reason I know that is because I had to do the math. I honestly couldn’t remember my age. My mom had to remind me that it was my birthday.

Every single day blurs into the next. Keeping a calendar nearby does nothing to help. I’m too disorganized for a planner. Every day is just another day I’m still living.

It feels weird. It’s like I’m a character in a bad simulation game, and somebody keeps hitting the “respawn” button. I’m not advancing, while also not falling behind. I’m just in the same spot, doing the same things, day in and day out.

Just breathing.

It honestly feels so strange. In school, they always told you to think ahead, plan ahead, predict and create who you want to be in the future.

I was that kid that couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that because I didn’t even know who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. I was just myself: a bland being that blended into the wallpaper, the backdrop. I was the kid nobody loved and nobody hated. I was the ghost in every class. I wasn’t a star athlete, or the pretty girl, the bad boy, the smoker over in the pit, the nerd, the overachiever, the car stud, the goth chic, the metal head, the band kid. None of it. I was the drifter, the ghost, the nobody.

I didn’t know anything about myself.

And now, years later, I still don’t know. I’m drifting through life, like I did my highschool classes. I’m unsure of the unknown. I don’t have dreams or aspirations or hopes for my future.

I just breathe. That’s all I’ve ever done, because that is all I know how to do.

And I’ve be doing it for 25 years. Or so my mom tells me.

QM

End of the Year Rant

Hello. I haven’t really written in a hot minute…. Not much of an excuse, but it’s the best I got.

Anyways, onto why I’m actually writing here today: I would like to dump a bit of a rant on here. Not my favorite blog topics, but I think once I word vomit it could let me be more creative for other stories and writings. (At least, I hope.)

It’s the end of the year. More specifically, it’s the end of a really shit year. And the news keeps getting more and more stressful the longer it’s watched. So, I don’t really watch the news much. People tell me about things, or I see an article shared around the social medias.

I’m not working as much as I was working earlier this year. But looking back, I think I’m doing alright: I left a job I loathed, met some new people while I was there, and started another job where I was working more often and getting a steadier income. It wasn’t glamorous or anything, but it was nicer than working at a shithole I hated. Now, the hours have decreased a bit, but I’m glad. I like the break. I enjoy it.

I’ve had my depressive moments, and by “moments”, I pretty much mean the whole year. It went by so quickly and so drastically that I can’t really differentiate each month from the next. But now, here in December, I feel content moving forward. Hopefully, as a goal for next year, I can make more moments memorable.

I’m hoping also to force myself to make some bigger decisions. I’m twenty four, and my behavior is one of a kid in high-school. I’m scared of the real world, yet I’ve been in it for six years.

My biggest goal for the future, above all big and scary grown up decisions, will ultimately to be happy. Be everlasting in my happiness. Bring loved ones with me in that. Share the love. Show my peace. Don’t drop anchor.

It’s almost tomorrow now. Hopefully, this positivity can stay with me a little while longer.

There is probably so much more to rant about. There’s always more. But, since this word vomit kind of turned positive, let’s leave it off here.

To all those reading this: please, be safe, be well, and peace.

QM

Street Spirits Road Trips

As sad and potentially boring as it sounds, I want to sit in a van and drive to another city, not caring that it could take up to twelve hours to get there. I want to lean back in the seat, and watch the world blur by as the van turns corners and scales hills.

I want to stop for a quick moment at a corner store, and stretch my legs as the van gets refueled in a town that I don’t know. I want to talk with the locals, that’ll comment that we’re far from home, and ask us where we’re headed.

I want my secondary family to talk excitedly about our destination, and the work we’ll be doing there. I want to run improvised lines like we’re doing a dry run of an imaginary script.

I want to marvel at the city we’re going to be guests to as we see the Welcome sign. I want to agree with my secondary family when they say that this city is wonderful, and different from our hometown.

I want to get settled in the hotel we’ll be staying in for a few days. I want to compare my room with the ones that my secondary family is staying in, and laugh when they make a comment about the bed being nicer than theirs back home.

I want to go to dinner with my secondary family, and discuss details about why we’re here to brainstorm. I want to admire and marvel at my family’s ideas, and love what we all come up with.

I want to be buzzing with excitement at what the next few days will bring. I want to love every moment of the next few days, as my family and I share stories and try to change the world, one performance at a time.

I want to feel the tiredness and slight regret when we have to leave back to our own city when our job is done.

I want to reminisce about the work we did, and talk about our favorite parts of the whole experience. I want to agree with every part, because I loved it, too.

I want to live in that moment, and pray it’ll never end…. But it will.

I want to be happy in that bliss…. But I know it’ll dissolve as soon as I see the sign that welcomes all travelers to my hometown.

I don’t want the bliss to go away…. All I want, is to be with my secondary family, and commit every single moment to memory, so I’ll have something in my life that will always stick in my lapsing mind.

QM